I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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