for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
