look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
