Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
