I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
