I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
