At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
