your parents love me but you hate me
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
