For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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