I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize