it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
