I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
