I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
not ubering you a puppy
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
