guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
