everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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