there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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