Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
