If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
