I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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