and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
