So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
