The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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