you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
