no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
