i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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