she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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