I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
