oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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