I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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