I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
where am i from again
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
