please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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