Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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