Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
