First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
