HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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