Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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