my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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