That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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