someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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