Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
