Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
