dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
