you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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