Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
