I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
