Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
