I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
