I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize