i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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