I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She's like a pop up book from hell.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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