I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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