Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
