I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
