when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I love you. Go after that dick
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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