Me too!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
