everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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