why im i the only drunk person in the library?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
