somebody snuck up and got me drunk
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
