I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
