haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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