Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
