we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
