my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
