My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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