All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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